The Realization Of My Anxiety.

The date was yesterday October 18, 2015. The time was I'm not entirely sure what time it was, but what I can say is that I never thought I would turn back on my good ways and chose bad ways, I know it shouldn't matter what I do, but for some reason I feel that this time I need to say something.

It has been approximately 2 and 1/2 years since I last touched neither cigarette nor e-cigarette, when I was out yesterday stressing about everything that had to do with money, I came to realize that my addiction with cigarettes is not that big. Yes, I will say I indeed have a problem, but it is more about the reality of holding either object in my fingers that turn into anxiety. As I breathe in while touching either object to my lips the anxiety becomes real. I do not want to smoke nor do I want to vape, either.

I guess I haven't come to the realization that with every puff of either, I come closer to death then I would if I did not use them.

I will say as of right now, to whoever reads this. My apology. My writing will most certainly be out of sorts as I'm trying so hard to figure out the real heat of my problem.

When it comes to money, I'm not exactly what you would call rich nor am I poor, I'm a little below middle class try to figure out; LIFE. Right there; is where all my anxiety starts. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor either. However, being in the situation I am from day to day you would think I was poor. I know the money is there, it's just half the time; I want to know how to stop myself I guess, before I buy something. It's like this, I see something I want it, think about buying it, stop myself from buying it, then buy it anyways, and more then half the time I never use it or even see it again.

Sometimes, I wonder if I know what my brain is thinking. Or, see I told you that sounded odd when you read it, see... Sorry, but seriously obviously we think with our brains, we make decisions with our brains, but the way my brain works I think is... well, I don't know if I'm using it or not sometimes. Like, I know it's up there, at least I hope it's up there. Lol, but most times I wonder if it is really doing its job as in working, giving me amazing ideas, telling me no when the rest of me says yes. Like, seriously this is how f*cked up my head is sometimes.

I told myself 2 1/2 years ago when I stopped smoking that I would not buy another pack of cigarettes or use an e-cig ever again and here I am back on e-cigs. I don't want to, but I strangely do want to. I guess the thought process is not there for me when it comes to smoking or vaping.

The fact is and you can ask Jason all you want about this one... You have no idea how man packs of cigarettes I bought before I quit smoking then saying the next minute I'm done, I'm quitting go outside somewhere and break them up and at the same time video taping me crushing them under my feet and saying to Jason, I'm sorry it has to be this way again, but I'm done I'm quitting. I can not do it no more. Coming now more then ever to the realization that the reason I quit that almost 2 1/2 years ago was because of these few people...

My dad who at the time was in the hospital for his second surgery on his bladder as he had been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, right around my birthday back in 2011.

My grandfather who at the time of my father being in surgery the first time was rushed to I.C.U by my Aunt his daughter, my mother's sister while my mom waited at home for news about my father and his surgery. My grandfather passed away later that same night back in 2011.

My cousin who found himself in Jail, for about a year or so, because of drugs back in 2011.

And my best friend and I having the biggest argument that separated our friendship for a year or so, too before we both came to the realization we needed each other so much back in 2011.

If at all my addition is correct which I did indeed check just now. 2011 I turned 22. My dad didn't want me to know about his cancer so he waited until after my birthday to tell me before having the first surgery. At the same time he was in surgery my grandfather was indeed rushed to I.C.U where he later passed away that day a nearly one month after my birthday. Which means that 2011 to 2012 I smoked. By mid-way through 2012 I came to realization that not only would my own father be pissed at me, but so would my grandfather. And I quit starting out with e-cigs then completely giving everything up to live by the Graces of God. Between mid-way through 2012 to 2015 now approximately 2 1/2 almost 3 full years of not smoking and I chose now to be the right time to come back to smoking or e-cigs. WTF? AM I DOING?

After doing the hard math in my brain I now realize more then ever, why I quit to being with for the same reason one of my cousins did most recently when visiting with my parents her aunt and uncle and my dad finding out she was smoking. I didn't want my father knowing nor did I want the rest of my family knowing. I'm being serious now although I'm starting with a blank slate, I know I'm doing the right thing. So as all of you as my witness. I QUIT! As of right now, I'm putting an end to the realization of my anxiety and cutting myself off, I will not insist Jason take my cigarettes or my e-cigs away from me as him hiding them will only make me want them more. As, we have tried that method once before, no my dears this must be all on me, as it would be you if you were the one quitting you would say enough is enough. EXACTLY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I must not have these in my life. NO MORE, NO MORE... So, the newly purchased e-cigs from yesterday, Do not go in the trash, no they will be put away in the junk drawer in the dresser in our bedroom with my cigarettes, that's right I call that very drawer a Junk Drawer and you know what For Once In My Life I Feel EMPOWERED to say this one very empowering line, I DO NOT NEED MY CIGARETTES AND I DO NOT NEED MY E-CIGS AS BOTH ARE VARIOUS JUNK IN MY LIFE AND BELONG IN MY JUNK DRAWER WHERE A LOT OF OTHER MISCELLANEOUS STUFF I OWN BELONGS.

For those people that are always interested in what I write please be sure to email me anytime at fairygurlLover@Hotmail.com with any comments on any of my various posts here on blogger, and I thank you all for your continued support.

What Was and What Is?

Since the last time I blogged there's been a lot that has happened in my life for one I finally got a job, not exactly one I was hoping to get either, but a job is a job and it's a good one for now anyways. For the past year and half now, I've been working for McDonald's. It's been a long awaited road, but for what it is worth I'm glad I have something better to do with my time now, then just sit at home all day do absolutely NOTHING!

Sure for awhile there it was okay that I didn't have a job, but after some very extremely boring and lonely afternoons while Jason worked, it became too BORING. So boring that I literally was jumping off the walls.

Now a days, I'm just glad to be at a place in my life where everything seems to be going right for once. I have a job. Jason still has his job. We are doing everything possible to make it to the next couple steps in our relationship, Marriage and Babies, but sadly the place we are living; we are at a sort of stand still. We still unfortunately live with his parent's. Even though, we live with his parents sometimes I wonder if we are making a great choice staying here, at least here we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to come home to every night. Not saying that wouldn't be the circumstances if we didn't live at home, we would probably have a roof over us and maybe a warm bed, but the problem would come to know itself early on; Would where we live be safe? Where we live now, I feel safe, I feel protected, maybe that be the reason we haven't moved out, yet!

Just maybe, living with his parents is actually a really good thing. At least here, we are safe and his parents know we are safe. Don't get me wrong I do however want to live on my own with Jason one day, but for now if his parents are okay with it I'm willing to take the necessary measures to make sure that Jason and I don't just survive the Real World, but actually thrive everyday, every night, every week, every Month of Every Single Year.

It's not a bad thing to be afraid is it? To me I'm afraid that no matter what Jason and I do when we move out we will continue to find ourselves struggling everyday, never knowing what it really means to live without fear of stressing, fear of not knowing how to make things better. I pray each day that Jason and I will have our own place one day, it has taken many years to know that it will always be a struggle no matter how much money we have, no matter how many jobs we both have, it will always be a struggle to live in the World the way his parents and my parents live now. My parents have always supported every decision I have made in my life, I see that never changing.

My parents always cared no matter whether I was wrong or right about things I've done, always they have been concerned about me and now it will probably bother them a bit more knowing I have no choice, but to make a giant leap and hope that in the end what catches me is Jason. I must in a matter of few months go from 25 year old still learning how to handle things on her own to 26 year old all on her own. I will when I become 26 be officially relying on myself and Jason for any type of emergency care or dental care or even eye care. I will be as of my 26 birthday be officially on Jason's health insurance.

I will by the time I turn 26 become one very mature grown up in a matter of months, I will take on more responsibility then ever be for. My mom who has always been behind me through every thing will have to learn just like I will that I have to learn to do things on my own, like set up appointments, pay bills, as far as bills and appointments go I've already been doing most of those things on my own already. I work so hard that I don't have the time to ever make appointments, but I've managed to figure things out eventually.

Now a days, I don't worry about those things as much now; that I pretty much told myself that when it happens it happens, if things go sour just keep your head up and chin high and keep moving on. I will find the right path, and it will show me the way. Right now, my focus is mainly trying not to cry every time Jason and I want to have a romantic night. I know I'm 25 and I'm allowed to do things, but in my case in the situation not only that we live in, but also the fact that we have little financial security Jason and I more then ever want a baby, I mean, if you really truly think about it I'm 25 Jason 29 this is prime time if you think about it for a baby, my sister wasn't married; wasn't even engaged to be married when she found out she was pregnant with my beautiful Niece. If I'm correct the story is just about the same if not just a little different for Jason's sister.

So, if your curious to know right now Jason and myself don't do much of anything at night because I fear about getting pregnant and having his parents get upset and us being forced out of their house is not something I'm willing to have happen to us while I would be pregnant. So, right now I act like if Jason touches me I get pregnant, he could touch my finger and suddenly I don't want him to touch me at all. I know that eventually he won't want to be around me, especially if I continue to push him away, but for the safety of Jason and myself it is better if we don't do anything especially when I am not on any type of protection except for if we use condoms, but because I'm at such a precious time in my life, I don't feel the need or want to use condoms. Meaning, that it's time I become a first time MOMMY. I wish, Oh How I wish I could be a MOMMY finally and Jason a DADDY, of course. As, of right now, I am NOT pregnant WANT to be, but sadly is not. And Jason, well he is hang in. I guess all I have say is I'm happy I have him because you don't know how hard it is to go through this kind of stuff and NOT be able to talk to ANYONE not his parents, my parents, my sister, his sister, or even our friends without worrying that what we or most likely I want to say does not come back in return with the type of response we weren't looking for.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My Life verses The World

I know I make my life seem pretty worthless at times, but when you do the same old things day after day wouldn't you make your life worthless, too.

I'm seriously thinking that in all my years, I have never seen my life go so downward that I actually began to believe that there was nothing more for me to do in my life.

I know I must sound pretty pathetic to all reading my blog, but it's true I haven't got anything in life to look forward to anymore.

Jason and I spend so much time together that even sometimes I feel life with him seems so boring. "That absolutely sounded mean, sorry baby." I love you. Being serious, though it's not all about him that I'm concerned about it's mainly me and my life. The life I want really. I thought by now I would have this luxurious life. Be living in an apartment with Jason, have the best darn Veterinary Assisting job life could ever give me and now. Look nothing, I know I'm doing it again being harsh on myself again. Trust me this life. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

These last couple days I've spent most of my time writing and wondering what is next. I think what I wrote yesterday was true. I think I should be a writer especially if I continue to right like this. I wonder if God put me on this Earth to be difficult, okay maybe not difficult, but how about misunderstood. Yeah, misunderstood is better. Misunderstood because even sometimes I don't fully understand myself.

Here's what I do every time I feel the inspiration to write. I sit in front of a computer and begin to type. And more then half the time I don't have a clue what I'm writing, but when I'm finished it's amazing what comes out of my brain and into my finger tips, allowing me to write such amazing blogs/messages. Most of the times it comes out sounding just like this.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

I remember!

As the winds flow through my hair. I remember!
As the cold summer waters touch my toes. I remember!
As the songs of sweet lullabies help me to sleep. I remember!
As the writings of my stories touch hearts. I remember!


I remember! I remember each memory of my life as if someone had written it in a book. I remember when the winds flowed through my hair, calming me ever so gently. I remember the cold summer waters that touched my tiny little toes. making me giggle ever so loudly. I remember the songs of sweet lullabies, putting me to me ever so relaxingly. I remember the writings of my stories, touching many hearts ever so sweetly.


I remember when I was a baby the winds that flowed through my hair, sometimes my mom seemed to think the wind was the one thing that would calm me down when I cried. I remember when I was a baby the cold summer waters of Rocky Neck Beach that made me giggle so loudly, my mom had to pick me up so I was not to disturb others. I remember when my mom used to sing sweet lullabies to me, that put me to sleep at night. I remember when I was a child writing such great stories about my life, describing what I wanted to be when I grew up.


With such great memories like these ones, it's hard to believe that the memories aren't the last of what I will remember. I still have memories to create with Jason. I still have memories to dream up. I still have memories to build; when we have children of our own.


Memories can only be remembered, if you never let them go. If you let go, there will not be anything to remember.


I always used to say this, "If memories are always there to be remembered, then why have pictures, because remembering them for generations to come is the best way to keep them; forever in the mind, body and soul of everyday life." - Erica Renee Goguen

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

NOT APART OF MY FAMILY!

Let me ask you folks this question:

If someone in your family dies like a grandfather lets say and he is the last one in the house and it is up to his kids not grand kids, but the kids to take care of the house; you know clean it out take the memories they want and everything, out before they foreclose the house or whatever. So if the week before they foreclose the house your mother tells you that on Sunday we are going to your grandfather's to say our last good byes, but during the rest of the week you have been working your ass off and forgot all about what she told you and on Monday. You are on facebook and see photos posted of your sister kids standing in front of the house. And then the next day Tuesday you have a dentist appointment and ask your mom so I saw the pictures my sister posted of my niece and nephew standing in front of Pepere's house and my sister telling everyone that they were saying their last good byes. And then all of sudden your mom says " Actually I was surprised to not see you there." And you respond by saying, "I would have been there if someone actually told me about it." And she says, "Well, I did." And then there is just a whole argument of, no you didn't and yes I did. So, After she drops you back off at work. You say to yourself, well then, why didn't she call me to remind me or say something to me when she noticed I wasn't there and knew that I really wanted to be there. Since it was a house that I practically grew up at.


WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID TO HER OR YOUR FAMILY IF YOU WERE IN MY SHOES THAT DAY?

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

Showing People and Getting Reactions

Lately, since I have gotten my butterfly tattoo I have been showing it off. I've shown it off to my best friend's parents. And my dad, my mom however, wont let me show her it. And recently, my boss. It is awesome everyone loves it because it is small not enormous. It is just simple and small and beautiful.

By the way: I forgot to mention in my My First Tattoo blog the reason why got my Butterfly tattoo. So, my reasons are one my grandfather Pepere Goguen who passed away a few years ago. Two grandmother Memere Guilmette who passed only 2 years ago and 5 days after my birthday.

I am now going to describe for you what has been said by everyone:

Jason:

Considering he was sitting right there next to me the whole time. He continued to tell me that it was looking great. And that it was going to be ok. So just relax he also told me he loved it.

My Dad:

Dad tells me it is cool very simple, very much something I would get done.

My Mom:

Mom says she doesn't even know me anymore. She doesn't even know what I am thinking lately.

My best friend's parents:

Her Dad:

At first when he saw it through a camera he couldn't believe that I had actually gotten a tattoo, but when he physically saw it he couldn't believe how wonderful it looked.

Her Mom:

At first she was as well a skeptic and couldn't believe it. Once, she actually saw it on my back she told me it was beautiful. And very me!

Alycia:

Even though, Alycia went to Fine Line with Jason and myself. She told me it was absolutely amazing when it was finished.

Ray:

He thought it was cool. Says he wants to get one done, too.

Emily a friend of Jason and I:

She just saw it 6/1/11 at Dunkin Donuts. She says it was sweet very beautiful as well. And she wants to get one herself. I told her to go for it. And don't listen to mom or dad.

My future in - laws:

They didn't find out the way I had hoped and now that they know and now that I told them the reason for getting it done they understood. They just thought it was bad timing that's all that is why they both got so upset.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My First Tattoo

My first Tattoo.

I received my very first tattoo today. At age 21 going on 22 in a matter of a couple weeks. It was my time. Today even though I had been planning it for the last two weeks, I finally sat in the chair at Connecticut's Oldest Tattoo Parlour called Fine Line.



At Fine Line, I sat backwards in a chair with my loving fianc'e Jason in front of me while holding his hand I hummed to the music playing in the background. At the same time my best friend Alycia of about 12 years sat nearby.

So, I'm sitting in the chair and the guy starts and he went fast. I mean within like 10 minutes he was already 3/4 of the way done. I had to take a 5 minute break maybe less because as you know when it is your first time, most people have a tendency to almost pass out. Well, I did, but shortly after I had some serious chocolate I was done and so once he got back to doing it, it only took about another minute and a half and he was done.

So, I was happy I was finally finished. Thank god.

So, as the day went on my tattoo hurt only a little. Oh, if anyone wants to know my tattoo is a simple one a very simple one it is a Butterfly. It is very feminine, I love it, my fianc'e Jason loves it and so far it looks like my best friend Alycia likes it. The only few people who haven't yet seen it are my future in-laws and some of my own family members, but I plan on showing everyone on my birthday this year. Which to be honest with all of you it is just in 19 days about 3 weeks to go.

I'm planning on uploading photos of it on my facebook and twitter. It will be labeled my birthday present.

I got this butterfly tattoo to remind me of all the family members I have lost in the past years. It is to remind me that not only are they still around, but they are free and happy up in heaven; just like a BUTTERFLY, fluttering through the air. They are beautiful and yet they are mysterious.

When everyone finally looks at my butterfly tattoo they are going to think that it is as if a real butterfly just gently landed on my shoulder blade and stayed there.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

NOTHING LEFT IN MY LIFE!

Why does it feel like I have NOTHING LEFT IN MY LIFE; nothing left to live for! When the truth of the matter is I have everything I could ever dream of!

I have:

A boyfriend/fianc'e Jason who loves me dearly!

A supportive and loving family!

That's great! No wonder I'm so messed up and depressed most of the time now a days! I have no friends who care even the least bit that I'm living a miserable life!

And plus, my friends Ray and Alycia could give two flying Shits about me! All because I found someone that's making his number one priority my happiness!

I mean the reason Ray could give two flying Shits about me is because years ago before Jason and I started dating Ray liked me! Ok Ray loved me! And now Ray thinks his best friend of 10 years Jason my future husband stole me from him (Ray)!

And according to Alycia her reason is the same as Ray's! Jason my future husband stole me from her!


If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My One and Only

Who would you say is your one and only? Mine, would have to be the one person whom I have fallen madly in love with over the past 9 months. My one and only is Jason.

Jason and I have been together now for 9 wonderful and crazy months. We've been having the time of our lives so to speak. Spending every waking moment with one another.

Even though, its only been 9 months it seems like an eternity. I waste most of my gas on driving to and from Jason's house. And the same in return when he drives to and from my house.

Our lives are wonderful and finally at peace. But why does it seem like most times I am still missing something very near and dear to my heart. What could it be?

I have everything I could ever hope for in my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend with wondrous love and support. I have a great family with extra love and support. I even have some of the time great friends.

So what is it that I am missing so terribly?

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

What are friends "really" good for?

Everyone knows that friends are good for so many reasons!

1. they have a shoulder to cry on!

2. they talk to you when things go sour!

3. they are like family!

4. they sense when you are hurting!

5. they are someone to call when you need to talk!

And then there are times where you wish that you weren't friends at all! I have been having a problem for about a few months now! I have a boyfriend you know Jason! And he is wonderful, that's a fact; but just about a couple of weeks ago. My friends were getting upset with me! Well, I understand why they were getting upset but did they have to go to the ulimate extreme dramatic state!

Well, I don't think so and either did Jason! I mean it was extremely immature! It is great to know that even when I'm trying to do my best to stay in contact and hang out with them especially when I recently started dating a guy who I never thought I would be dating in the first place. I couldn't help it when I had gotten lost in the moment!

I mean my friends wanted to be with us 24/7 and what were we supposed to do just hang out with them and no longer try creating a wonderful relationship with one another. Well, the thing is that one of my friends is also a really good friend of Jason's. I guess it just hurt me that all they cared about was hanging out with Jason and I seperately like I would hang out with my girl friend at her house during the same time that Jason would hang out with his guy friend at a bar or something! But, the truth is both Jason and myself didn't want to hang out with them we wanted to be with each other and I never saw what the whole problem was! We had just started dating only a couple months before this had actually started, them waiting to be with us every hour of every week!

It never made sense because I loved Jason and wanted to make the best of my relationship with him from the very start of it.

So what are friends really good for, if all they do is worry about themselves. What is a person to do when it seems like her friends only care about their problems! And, I think it also has something to do with the fact that neither one of my friends want to leave their houses and hang out with other people instead of Jason and myself!

I just wish that my friends would find some other people to hang out with instead of Jason and I! Like I said, my friends don't have any other social life. All they do is either sit at home playing video games or sitting on the computer all day! They don't get out very much! And my girl friend loves to put a guilt trip in my mind by saying she is heading back to ROCK BOTTOM and she doesn't want me going down with her! The fact is she doesn't get out at all she has bi-polar disorder and depression but does nothing to cure it! All she does everyday is sit at home on the computer or playing video games. She doesn't go out, even if it was to just get some fresh air! She doesn't want to even try and date someone, because she wants a boyfriend she can "box" with and I'm telling you right now their is no guy out in the WORLD that would EVER HIT A FEMALE!

To be honest, she needs to stop and get a life outside in the fresh air!

 

  

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

     

Not Knowing What To Do (Part 2)

As you probably figured out by now I am having another issue where I do not know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. You all know by now that my boyfriend Jason and I are very much in love with each other, but when things like his boss Bob and Bob's boss don't allow me to come to Jason's work because it's frowned upon. Mainly because they think I distract Jason from doing his work.

The fact is, I love being there at Jason's work helping get things into the washers and dryers faster and helping him get out of work quicker. The reason I enjoy being at his work so much is so I can be with him all the time. The thing is I'm not allowed at his work as much as I want to be there.

Today, is not starting out that great for the two of us here at his work. I already feel like I can't put up with people telling me when and when I can not go to his work. It is getting so bad to the point where I can't choose between staying in this relationship with Jason or ending this relationship once and for all; all because I'm only allowed to go to his work on weekends.

I need help in trying to figure out what is the best and most important choice that needs to be made. I already told Jason that ending the relationship is the last thing I want to do, but since people feel they have the right to tell me how to run my life I feel like I want to end this very special relationship I have with Jason.

Some days, I have to sit around all day by myself in Jason's house and wait until he gets home. And if I'm not at his house doing nothing, I'm in his car watching movies. Sometimes I just wish he could go to his boss and tell bob that I'm coming in to help and I'm not leaving, but the thing is if Jason did that he might get fired and I don't want to feel like I cost him, his job. Especially, when it is such a great job and with benefits.

I guess all I'm saying is that, its not fair that every one is allowed to tell me how to run my life. My parents are slowly but surely backing off when it comes to who runs my life. For many years and still a little now and again my parents would control what I did, where I did, how I did, when I did anything in my life. But here is the thing they can't control my life if I'm never really around for them to even see me long enough. I mostly stay at Jason's house spending night after night over there. Yea, you could say its as if I moved out.

I do still see my parents every week. I just don't sleep there anymore. So yea, I guess I finally did get the so called freedom I was asking for. So I'm out of a job and all Jason and I live of off is how much money he gets paid each week. Well, all I have to say is, its better then getting paid every other week. At least, he has a paycheck coming to him ever Friday. Its so much better. Well, hopefully soon my time will come again. If not, I hope I have another better paying job before my own life ends.


If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

JAY

A guy I never got along with before. But the thing is I always had feelings for him deep, deep down. When I first meet Jay it was in a special education room to be exact room 22 of Cromwell Middle School. There are many reasons to why we never got along before now. One reason was because I was always bugging him to the most extreme measures. I realize now the only reason I bugged him was because I liked him so very much.


The two of us weird enough were friends with the same person his name is Ray. Ray was the person who introduced us to each other years ago. And even after introducing us I still continued to bug Jay.


Til now I had no idea why I truly liked Jay so much. Well to be exact when I finally made it to Cromwell High School he was on the football team and once I knew for sure that he was on the football team I made sure that I made it to all home games and some away games because my feelings for him had gotten a lot strong since Middle School.

I even told Jay that I liked him and he said that he never noticed that I liked him. I was extremely surprised when he told me that he never noticed anything, so I asked him. "How could you not notice?" He responded by saying "I never really noticed anything back then."


These days I have been hanging out with him, going to our favorite park in the town of Cromwell. Even though he knows I like him now, I can not stop myself from thinking that if Ray didn't introduce us back then where would he be and would I have forgotten about Jay. I can honestly say that no matter what would have happened back then I still would like Jay, because I mentioned to Jay that out of all the guys I have been out with in the past; I never seem to forget how much I really like Jay.


I am extremely glad that he started texting me. And since he only started at the beginning of this week I feel the need to say he has been the greatest guy friend I have ever had. One: he is always making me laugh no matter what comes out his mouth it is always making me laugh. Two: I am always in a good mood when I am around him except when we both have to get going. Three: I like him that much that I'm always in a good mood when he is near.


Him and I are always texting with each other and if we are not texting we are either on Myspace or we are on our cells talking with each other. There is no real reason why we talk so much with each other, I guess it is mainly because we both are trying so very hard to be friends. And that we are also trying to stay as connected as possible with each other. It is great how every time we talk I am laughing or I'm in the greatest mood I have ever been in.


I have repeated it so many times now. Telling him time and time again that I care so very much about him and would not want it to be any other way. He truly is the greatest guy friend I have ever had and I feel the need to hug him every time we are together I mean not when we are both leaving for the night I mean when we arrive and sometimes when we are walking together or just sitting around talking. I have told him that any girl that he has asked out in the past and has turned him down is by far the stupidest girl, and that I would be honored to go out with him.


It is wonderful the way he talks to me. I feel that when he talks to me he is talking to me with his heart and telling me exactly how he feels, and that he is not pulling some act with me that is going to end up making me upset and hurt me. He has told me that he would never ever hurt me or upset me. The truth of the matter is that I see it in his eyes that he never will. He knows truly and deeply how much I truly do care about him and he knows how much I like him.


And even though I have known him only about 7 or 8 years I feel like I have known him for twice that many, longer then I have known Ray and the two of us have known Ray for about 10 years or more so how is it that both of us feel like we've known each other longer then we've known Ray.


Why is that?


When I am with Jay even for a couple hours, I feel like I am being treated how I want to be treated. And I don't know how Jay feels when I am around him, but I have some thoughts to what he might be feeling or thinking. Maybe he is thinking a girl is talking to me, not only that but a girl who is treating me like the human being that I am, with a thoughtful and caring heart. It is wonderful how every time I talk to him or see him it really just seems like the world stops and we are the only ones upon it. With him I feel like I finally belong on this planet and maybe he feels the same way. I care 100% about Jay for some reasons I can not say because they are between him and I; I would do anything for him. Just so that he knew there was someone out there that cared about him and that wanted what was best for him.

Jay you are great! You mean the world to me. I could not ask for anything more, but to be either really good friends with you and then maybe have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you. Either way I will be happy just as long as you are happy.

Jay we will be friends always and forever!!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

Not Knowing What To Do

If you think it is easy knowing everything well maybe not everything! What I mean is knowing who the right person is for you. Let me see I have two guy friends Ray and Brian. I like one more then the other. If you have read the blog CONFUSION on my other blog Through my Eyes it tells you I like Brian more then Ray, but lately while hanging with Alycia and Ray, Ray is touching me more sensually then sexually. I do love that he gentlely carouses my legs, arms, and back so gently and it makes me feel good about being with him in the end. He has started massaging my feet, too. But what kind of girl doesn't like her feet being massaged.

It is not only the gentle movements of his fingers on my body but also the way he talks to me and cares so much about my protection that makes me appreciate him more and more...

He is the greatest hell if he were to propose to me soon, I would say yes just to make him and I happy and also to make my parents freak. But that is the problem because of my parents I feel like I could never really have a relationship with him. The only way I could be with him was if we secretly were to get married without my parents knowing. And there is my other problem I want both my parents to be at my wedding when I am older I want my father to walk me down the aile and then give me away to my future husband, then I want him to congradulate my husband and I and give us his blessings. Believe me; I am like every girl out there who all want their father to give them away to the man they are marrying.

I feel like half the time I need to hide from my parents the thought that I am with Ray and tell them I am just hanging out with Alycia just to make them happy but it is time that I tell them the truth instead of hiding it. I told Alycia and Ray both that on my 21st birthday next year I will tell my parents things. Things I really need to get off my chest. And you know what! If they want to get all pissed off at me fine I will just go out with Alycia and Ray and hang with them on my 21st. It is no problem and when my parents decide to settle down and talk to me I will talk but if they start yelling I will walk out of the house and never talk to them again. Beause I am almost 20 and my mom is still telling me how to dress for certain special occassions when I should be allowed to do it myself, not only that she is still telling me what to do. Telling me when and how long I can hang out with my friends at night.

It is sickening the way she treats me. I feel like I am a little kid that can not do things for herself. When I can. I have my license and a car so give me my freedom please already. I care a lot about everyone in my life right now to be exact everyone in my life are all equally treated no one is ever # 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. Everyone is # 1 in my book. Actually Alycia and Ray know of this one person who is like bottom 100 (Ernie). He has actually pissed me off so much that he is not even in the bottom 10 he passed that years and some months ago when he strewed me into the ground like the weak little screw driver he is, but their was always two people right behind him to unscrew me. Alycia and Ray were always there for me when I needed them and now Ernie wants me to go to his graduation party with Alycia but I might just invite Ray as my date for that day. Well day because it starts at noon. Let me just say Ray and Ernie do not get along very well. But here is the real plan Alycia, Ray and I would stop by for a little while then leave and never come back and if Ernie called me and asked me why Ray was with me and Alycia. I would say none of your f***'n business and then hang up.

I enjoyed getting some things off my chest. I feel great ready for bed because I have no more energy and need to sleep all of this s*** off tonight but will be back soon with more stories. I promise! I never forget a promise!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

The Discovery of Who I am

My life always seemed from the beginnig to be of only pain and misery. I love my life and everything in it but hate the way that I was always being threated by kids. I never to this day felt like I had a childhood because of bullying. When my dad's father passed away. My life became imcomplete I felt like I was 25 when I was really 13 or 14 years of age. The only thing I wanted for years was to be complete again. And find someone to be with in the end.

This happened because mentally I grew up thinking and feeling of about 10 to 15 years older then what I actually was. And now I am turning 20 this June. This time I will not make myself get a boyfriend just because I feel older mentally. I ador my family and friends and would hate it if I got myself messed up in a relationship not only that my family and friends didn't like but a relationship that I am not ready for.

Although most of the guys I like are so sweet to me that I get hooked on to them like bait on a fishing line and I was the hungry fish that would not let go because they were so good. These days I have but one guy I really like enough to go out with again his name is Brian he makes me laugh so much when I am with him. I have a guy friend named ray that is so sweet to me too that I would never want to hurt him but sometimes things come out in ways you don't want them. Brian is so interesting that he is cool in a way that I like him.

I have recently been hanging out with Ray and best friend Alycia for the past few weeks and have noticed that I just want to be friends with Ray. Honestly, Both guys are so nice that I would hate it if they both stopped talking to me. Both of them I care about equally. It is hard for me to explain why I feel this but lately my feelings for Brian have grown stronger and Ray I am sorry I really would like to stay friends with you. I think in the end it is best for him and I to stay friends. He needs a girlfriend that cares for him 100% and is devoted to him and I feel that this is not me. Every time I stop myself long enough to think straight the world around seems like it never stops. And that I will never get off this crazy roller coaster life.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My Life

These days nothing compares to the pain that I feel in my heart. In this world, I am alone and scared, of knowing my true destiny of life. I am hurting from the confussion of what is up or down my life has become an on going never ending circle. My life I hope will and one day end. And I hope I am not alone or scared. Although there is no way to stop the scareness of my life finally taking its biggest and longest bow. I say to you my family and friends good luck with whatever life may bring. And remember me for what I once was a mere person in a messed up life. I am not saying good-bye, as if I were dying. I am saying good-bye to the old Erica Goguen's life. I am starting a new one with the help of your support my family and friends help me to realize the real reason I was put on this planet.

For my old life I bid ado, because no one in my past will ever be able to recall Erica Renee Goguen the sensitive one. From now on my family and friends you will call me by what I am this day Erica Renee Goguen " the strong minded young woman." On my 20th birthday I have a plan that I might get a tattoo. The tattoo will be a quote said by Eleanor Roosevelt and remembered by many. The quote will say, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I adore this quote it would mean so much to me if I actually got it done. Eleanor Roosevelt is my hero. She is a great leader and there is no other quote that I would rather have on my body then this one. It means a lot to me that Eleanor Roosevelt was such an inspiration to me and she continues to be that for me. And she always will!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!