The Realization Of My Anxiety.

The date was yesterday October 18, 2015. The time was I'm not entirely sure what time it was, but what I can say is that I never thought I would turn back on my good ways and chose bad ways, I know it shouldn't matter what I do, but for some reason I feel that this time I need to say something.

It has been approximately 2 and 1/2 years since I last touched neither cigarette nor e-cigarette, when I was out yesterday stressing about everything that had to do with money, I came to realize that my addiction with cigarettes is not that big. Yes, I will say I indeed have a problem, but it is more about the reality of holding either object in my fingers that turn into anxiety. As I breathe in while touching either object to my lips the anxiety becomes real. I do not want to smoke nor do I want to vape, either.

I guess I haven't come to the realization that with every puff of either, I come closer to death then I would if I did not use them.

I will say as of right now, to whoever reads this. My apology. My writing will most certainly be out of sorts as I'm trying so hard to figure out the real heat of my problem.

When it comes to money, I'm not exactly what you would call rich nor am I poor, I'm a little below middle class try to figure out; LIFE. Right there; is where all my anxiety starts. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor either. However, being in the situation I am from day to day you would think I was poor. I know the money is there, it's just half the time; I want to know how to stop myself I guess, before I buy something. It's like this, I see something I want it, think about buying it, stop myself from buying it, then buy it anyways, and more then half the time I never use it or even see it again.

Sometimes, I wonder if I know what my brain is thinking. Or, see I told you that sounded odd when you read it, see... Sorry, but seriously obviously we think with our brains, we make decisions with our brains, but the way my brain works I think is... well, I don't know if I'm using it or not sometimes. Like, I know it's up there, at least I hope it's up there. Lol, but most times I wonder if it is really doing its job as in working, giving me amazing ideas, telling me no when the rest of me says yes. Like, seriously this is how f*cked up my head is sometimes.

I told myself 2 1/2 years ago when I stopped smoking that I would not buy another pack of cigarettes or use an e-cig ever again and here I am back on e-cigs. I don't want to, but I strangely do want to. I guess the thought process is not there for me when it comes to smoking or vaping.

The fact is and you can ask Jason all you want about this one... You have no idea how man packs of cigarettes I bought before I quit smoking then saying the next minute I'm done, I'm quitting go outside somewhere and break them up and at the same time video taping me crushing them under my feet and saying to Jason, I'm sorry it has to be this way again, but I'm done I'm quitting. I can not do it no more. Coming now more then ever to the realization that the reason I quit that almost 2 1/2 years ago was because of these few people...

My dad who at the time was in the hospital for his second surgery on his bladder as he had been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, right around my birthday back in 2011.

My grandfather who at the time of my father being in surgery the first time was rushed to I.C.U by my Aunt his daughter, my mother's sister while my mom waited at home for news about my father and his surgery. My grandfather passed away later that same night back in 2011.

My cousin who found himself in Jail, for about a year or so, because of drugs back in 2011.

And my best friend and I having the biggest argument that separated our friendship for a year or so, too before we both came to the realization we needed each other so much back in 2011.

If at all my addition is correct which I did indeed check just now. 2011 I turned 22. My dad didn't want me to know about his cancer so he waited until after my birthday to tell me before having the first surgery. At the same time he was in surgery my grandfather was indeed rushed to I.C.U where he later passed away that day a nearly one month after my birthday. Which means that 2011 to 2012 I smoked. By mid-way through 2012 I came to realization that not only would my own father be pissed at me, but so would my grandfather. And I quit starting out with e-cigs then completely giving everything up to live by the Graces of God. Between mid-way through 2012 to 2015 now approximately 2 1/2 almost 3 full years of not smoking and I chose now to be the right time to come back to smoking or e-cigs. WTF? AM I DOING?

After doing the hard math in my brain I now realize more then ever, why I quit to being with for the same reason one of my cousins did most recently when visiting with my parents her aunt and uncle and my dad finding out she was smoking. I didn't want my father knowing nor did I want the rest of my family knowing. I'm being serious now although I'm starting with a blank slate, I know I'm doing the right thing. So as all of you as my witness. I QUIT! As of right now, I'm putting an end to the realization of my anxiety and cutting myself off, I will not insist Jason take my cigarettes or my e-cigs away from me as him hiding them will only make me want them more. As, we have tried that method once before, no my dears this must be all on me, as it would be you if you were the one quitting you would say enough is enough. EXACTLY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I must not have these in my life. NO MORE, NO MORE... So, the newly purchased e-cigs from yesterday, Do not go in the trash, no they will be put away in the junk drawer in the dresser in our bedroom with my cigarettes, that's right I call that very drawer a Junk Drawer and you know what For Once In My Life I Feel EMPOWERED to say this one very empowering line, I DO NOT NEED MY CIGARETTES AND I DO NOT NEED MY E-CIGS AS BOTH ARE VARIOUS JUNK IN MY LIFE AND BELONG IN MY JUNK DRAWER WHERE A LOT OF OTHER MISCELLANEOUS STUFF I OWN BELONGS.

For those people that are always interested in what I write please be sure to email me anytime at fairygurlLover@Hotmail.com with any comments on any of my various posts here on blogger, and I thank you all for your continued support.