Not Knowing What To Do

If you think it is easy knowing everything well maybe not everything! What I mean is knowing who the right person is for you. Let me see I have two guy friends Ray and Brian. I like one more then the other. If you have read the blog CONFUSION on my other blog Through my Eyes it tells you I like Brian more then Ray, but lately while hanging with Alycia and Ray, Ray is touching me more sensually then sexually. I do love that he gentlely carouses my legs, arms, and back so gently and it makes me feel good about being with him in the end. He has started massaging my feet, too. But what kind of girl doesn't like her feet being massaged.

It is not only the gentle movements of his fingers on my body but also the way he talks to me and cares so much about my protection that makes me appreciate him more and more...

He is the greatest hell if he were to propose to me soon, I would say yes just to make him and I happy and also to make my parents freak. But that is the problem because of my parents I feel like I could never really have a relationship with him. The only way I could be with him was if we secretly were to get married without my parents knowing. And there is my other problem I want both my parents to be at my wedding when I am older I want my father to walk me down the aile and then give me away to my future husband, then I want him to congradulate my husband and I and give us his blessings. Believe me; I am like every girl out there who all want their father to give them away to the man they are marrying.

I feel like half the time I need to hide from my parents the thought that I am with Ray and tell them I am just hanging out with Alycia just to make them happy but it is time that I tell them the truth instead of hiding it. I told Alycia and Ray both that on my 21st birthday next year I will tell my parents things. Things I really need to get off my chest. And you know what! If they want to get all pissed off at me fine I will just go out with Alycia and Ray and hang with them on my 21st. It is no problem and when my parents decide to settle down and talk to me I will talk but if they start yelling I will walk out of the house and never talk to them again. Beause I am almost 20 and my mom is still telling me how to dress for certain special occassions when I should be allowed to do it myself, not only that she is still telling me what to do. Telling me when and how long I can hang out with my friends at night.

It is sickening the way she treats me. I feel like I am a little kid that can not do things for herself. When I can. I have my license and a car so give me my freedom please already. I care a lot about everyone in my life right now to be exact everyone in my life are all equally treated no one is ever # 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. Everyone is # 1 in my book. Actually Alycia and Ray know of this one person who is like bottom 100 (Ernie). He has actually pissed me off so much that he is not even in the bottom 10 he passed that years and some months ago when he strewed me into the ground like the weak little screw driver he is, but their was always two people right behind him to unscrew me. Alycia and Ray were always there for me when I needed them and now Ernie wants me to go to his graduation party with Alycia but I might just invite Ray as my date for that day. Well day because it starts at noon. Let me just say Ray and Ernie do not get along very well. But here is the real plan Alycia, Ray and I would stop by for a little while then leave and never come back and if Ernie called me and asked me why Ray was with me and Alycia. I would say none of your f***'n business and then hang up.

I enjoyed getting some things off my chest. I feel great ready for bed because I have no more energy and need to sleep all of this s*** off tonight but will be back soon with more stories. I promise! I never forget a promise!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

The Discovery of Who I am

My life always seemed from the beginnig to be of only pain and misery. I love my life and everything in it but hate the way that I was always being threated by kids. I never to this day felt like I had a childhood because of bullying. When my dad's father passed away. My life became imcomplete I felt like I was 25 when I was really 13 or 14 years of age. The only thing I wanted for years was to be complete again. And find someone to be with in the end.

This happened because mentally I grew up thinking and feeling of about 10 to 15 years older then what I actually was. And now I am turning 20 this June. This time I will not make myself get a boyfriend just because I feel older mentally. I ador my family and friends and would hate it if I got myself messed up in a relationship not only that my family and friends didn't like but a relationship that I am not ready for.

Although most of the guys I like are so sweet to me that I get hooked on to them like bait on a fishing line and I was the hungry fish that would not let go because they were so good. These days I have but one guy I really like enough to go out with again his name is Brian he makes me laugh so much when I am with him. I have a guy friend named ray that is so sweet to me too that I would never want to hurt him but sometimes things come out in ways you don't want them. Brian is so interesting that he is cool in a way that I like him.

I have recently been hanging out with Ray and best friend Alycia for the past few weeks and have noticed that I just want to be friends with Ray. Honestly, Both guys are so nice that I would hate it if they both stopped talking to me. Both of them I care about equally. It is hard for me to explain why I feel this but lately my feelings for Brian have grown stronger and Ray I am sorry I really would like to stay friends with you. I think in the end it is best for him and I to stay friends. He needs a girlfriend that cares for him 100% and is devoted to him and I feel that this is not me. Every time I stop myself long enough to think straight the world around seems like it never stops. And that I will never get off this crazy roller coaster life.

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!

My Life

These days nothing compares to the pain that I feel in my heart. In this world, I am alone and scared, of knowing my true destiny of life. I am hurting from the confussion of what is up or down my life has become an on going never ending circle. My life I hope will and one day end. And I hope I am not alone or scared. Although there is no way to stop the scareness of my life finally taking its biggest and longest bow. I say to you my family and friends good luck with whatever life may bring. And remember me for what I once was a mere person in a messed up life. I am not saying good-bye, as if I were dying. I am saying good-bye to the old Erica Goguen's life. I am starting a new one with the help of your support my family and friends help me to realize the real reason I was put on this planet.

For my old life I bid ado, because no one in my past will ever be able to recall Erica Renee Goguen the sensitive one. From now on my family and friends you will call me by what I am this day Erica Renee Goguen " the strong minded young woman." On my 20th birthday I have a plan that I might get a tattoo. The tattoo will be a quote said by Eleanor Roosevelt and remembered by many. The quote will say, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I adore this quote it would mean so much to me if I actually got it done. Eleanor Roosevelt is my hero. She is a great leader and there is no other quote that I would rather have on my body then this one. It means a lot to me that Eleanor Roosevelt was such an inspiration to me and she continues to be that for me. And she always will!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!