The Realization Of My Anxiety.

The date was yesterday October 18, 2015. The time was I'm not entirely sure what time it was, but what I can say is that I never thought I would turn back on my good ways and chose bad ways, I know it shouldn't matter what I do, but for some reason I feel that this time I need to say something.

It has been approximately 2 and 1/2 years since I last touched neither cigarette nor e-cigarette, when I was out yesterday stressing about everything that had to do with money, I came to realize that my addiction with cigarettes is not that big. Yes, I will say I indeed have a problem, but it is more about the reality of holding either object in my fingers that turn into anxiety. As I breathe in while touching either object to my lips the anxiety becomes real. I do not want to smoke nor do I want to vape, either.

I guess I haven't come to the realization that with every puff of either, I come closer to death then I would if I did not use them.

I will say as of right now, to whoever reads this. My apology. My writing will most certainly be out of sorts as I'm trying so hard to figure out the real heat of my problem.

When it comes to money, I'm not exactly what you would call rich nor am I poor, I'm a little below middle class try to figure out; LIFE. Right there; is where all my anxiety starts. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor either. However, being in the situation I am from day to day you would think I was poor. I know the money is there, it's just half the time; I want to know how to stop myself I guess, before I buy something. It's like this, I see something I want it, think about buying it, stop myself from buying it, then buy it anyways, and more then half the time I never use it or even see it again.

Sometimes, I wonder if I know what my brain is thinking. Or, see I told you that sounded odd when you read it, see... Sorry, but seriously obviously we think with our brains, we make decisions with our brains, but the way my brain works I think is... well, I don't know if I'm using it or not sometimes. Like, I know it's up there, at least I hope it's up there. Lol, but most times I wonder if it is really doing its job as in working, giving me amazing ideas, telling me no when the rest of me says yes. Like, seriously this is how f*cked up my head is sometimes.

I told myself 2 1/2 years ago when I stopped smoking that I would not buy another pack of cigarettes or use an e-cig ever again and here I am back on e-cigs. I don't want to, but I strangely do want to. I guess the thought process is not there for me when it comes to smoking or vaping.

The fact is and you can ask Jason all you want about this one... You have no idea how man packs of cigarettes I bought before I quit smoking then saying the next minute I'm done, I'm quitting go outside somewhere and break them up and at the same time video taping me crushing them under my feet and saying to Jason, I'm sorry it has to be this way again, but I'm done I'm quitting. I can not do it no more. Coming now more then ever to the realization that the reason I quit that almost 2 1/2 years ago was because of these few people...

My dad who at the time was in the hospital for his second surgery on his bladder as he had been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, right around my birthday back in 2011.

My grandfather who at the time of my father being in surgery the first time was rushed to I.C.U by my Aunt his daughter, my mother's sister while my mom waited at home for news about my father and his surgery. My grandfather passed away later that same night back in 2011.

My cousin who found himself in Jail, for about a year or so, because of drugs back in 2011.

And my best friend and I having the biggest argument that separated our friendship for a year or so, too before we both came to the realization we needed each other so much back in 2011.

If at all my addition is correct which I did indeed check just now. 2011 I turned 22. My dad didn't want me to know about his cancer so he waited until after my birthday to tell me before having the first surgery. At the same time he was in surgery my grandfather was indeed rushed to I.C.U where he later passed away that day a nearly one month after my birthday. Which means that 2011 to 2012 I smoked. By mid-way through 2012 I came to realization that not only would my own father be pissed at me, but so would my grandfather. And I quit starting out with e-cigs then completely giving everything up to live by the Graces of God. Between mid-way through 2012 to 2015 now approximately 2 1/2 almost 3 full years of not smoking and I chose now to be the right time to come back to smoking or e-cigs. WTF? AM I DOING?

After doing the hard math in my brain I now realize more then ever, why I quit to being with for the same reason one of my cousins did most recently when visiting with my parents her aunt and uncle and my dad finding out she was smoking. I didn't want my father knowing nor did I want the rest of my family knowing. I'm being serious now although I'm starting with a blank slate, I know I'm doing the right thing. So as all of you as my witness. I QUIT! As of right now, I'm putting an end to the realization of my anxiety and cutting myself off, I will not insist Jason take my cigarettes or my e-cigs away from me as him hiding them will only make me want them more. As, we have tried that method once before, no my dears this must be all on me, as it would be you if you were the one quitting you would say enough is enough. EXACTLY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I must not have these in my life. NO MORE, NO MORE... So, the newly purchased e-cigs from yesterday, Do not go in the trash, no they will be put away in the junk drawer in the dresser in our bedroom with my cigarettes, that's right I call that very drawer a Junk Drawer and you know what For Once In My Life I Feel EMPOWERED to say this one very empowering line, I DO NOT NEED MY CIGARETTES AND I DO NOT NEED MY E-CIGS AS BOTH ARE VARIOUS JUNK IN MY LIFE AND BELONG IN MY JUNK DRAWER WHERE A LOT OF OTHER MISCELLANEOUS STUFF I OWN BELONGS.

For those people that are always interested in what I write please be sure to email me anytime at fairygurlLover@Hotmail.com with any comments on any of my various posts here on blogger, and I thank you all for your continued support.

What Was and What Is?

Since the last time I blogged there's been a lot that has happened in my life for one I finally got a job, not exactly one I was hoping to get either, but a job is a job and it's a good one for now anyways. For the past year and half now, I've been working for McDonald's. It's been a long awaited road, but for what it is worth I'm glad I have something better to do with my time now, then just sit at home all day do absolutely NOTHING!

Sure for awhile there it was okay that I didn't have a job, but after some very extremely boring and lonely afternoons while Jason worked, it became too BORING. So boring that I literally was jumping off the walls.

Now a days, I'm just glad to be at a place in my life where everything seems to be going right for once. I have a job. Jason still has his job. We are doing everything possible to make it to the next couple steps in our relationship, Marriage and Babies, but sadly the place we are living; we are at a sort of stand still. We still unfortunately live with his parent's. Even though, we live with his parents sometimes I wonder if we are making a great choice staying here, at least here we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to come home to every night. Not saying that wouldn't be the circumstances if we didn't live at home, we would probably have a roof over us and maybe a warm bed, but the problem would come to know itself early on; Would where we live be safe? Where we live now, I feel safe, I feel protected, maybe that be the reason we haven't moved out, yet!

Just maybe, living with his parents is actually a really good thing. At least here, we are safe and his parents know we are safe. Don't get me wrong I do however want to live on my own with Jason one day, but for now if his parents are okay with it I'm willing to take the necessary measures to make sure that Jason and I don't just survive the Real World, but actually thrive everyday, every night, every week, every Month of Every Single Year.

It's not a bad thing to be afraid is it? To me I'm afraid that no matter what Jason and I do when we move out we will continue to find ourselves struggling everyday, never knowing what it really means to live without fear of stressing, fear of not knowing how to make things better. I pray each day that Jason and I will have our own place one day, it has taken many years to know that it will always be a struggle no matter how much money we have, no matter how many jobs we both have, it will always be a struggle to live in the World the way his parents and my parents live now. My parents have always supported every decision I have made in my life, I see that never changing.

My parents always cared no matter whether I was wrong or right about things I've done, always they have been concerned about me and now it will probably bother them a bit more knowing I have no choice, but to make a giant leap and hope that in the end what catches me is Jason. I must in a matter of few months go from 25 year old still learning how to handle things on her own to 26 year old all on her own. I will when I become 26 be officially relying on myself and Jason for any type of emergency care or dental care or even eye care. I will be as of my 26 birthday be officially on Jason's health insurance.

I will by the time I turn 26 become one very mature grown up in a matter of months, I will take on more responsibility then ever be for. My mom who has always been behind me through every thing will have to learn just like I will that I have to learn to do things on my own, like set up appointments, pay bills, as far as bills and appointments go I've already been doing most of those things on my own already. I work so hard that I don't have the time to ever make appointments, but I've managed to figure things out eventually.

Now a days, I don't worry about those things as much now; that I pretty much told myself that when it happens it happens, if things go sour just keep your head up and chin high and keep moving on. I will find the right path, and it will show me the way. Right now, my focus is mainly trying not to cry every time Jason and I want to have a romantic night. I know I'm 25 and I'm allowed to do things, but in my case in the situation not only that we live in, but also the fact that we have little financial security Jason and I more then ever want a baby, I mean, if you really truly think about it I'm 25 Jason 29 this is prime time if you think about it for a baby, my sister wasn't married; wasn't even engaged to be married when she found out she was pregnant with my beautiful Niece. If I'm correct the story is just about the same if not just a little different for Jason's sister.

So, if your curious to know right now Jason and myself don't do much of anything at night because I fear about getting pregnant and having his parents get upset and us being forced out of their house is not something I'm willing to have happen to us while I would be pregnant. So, right now I act like if Jason touches me I get pregnant, he could touch my finger and suddenly I don't want him to touch me at all. I know that eventually he won't want to be around me, especially if I continue to push him away, but for the safety of Jason and myself it is better if we don't do anything especially when I am not on any type of protection except for if we use condoms, but because I'm at such a precious time in my life, I don't feel the need or want to use condoms. Meaning, that it's time I become a first time MOMMY. I wish, Oh How I wish I could be a MOMMY finally and Jason a DADDY, of course. As, of right now, I am NOT pregnant WANT to be, but sadly is not. And Jason, well he is hang in. I guess all I have say is I'm happy I have him because you don't know how hard it is to go through this kind of stuff and NOT be able to talk to ANYONE not his parents, my parents, my sister, his sister, or even our friends without worrying that what we or most likely I want to say does not come back in return with the type of response we weren't looking for.

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Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!