What Was and What Is?

Since the last time I blogged there's been a lot that has happened in my life for one I finally got a job, not exactly one I was hoping to get either, but a job is a job and it's a good one for now anyways. For the past year and half now, I've been working for McDonald's. It's been a long awaited road, but for what it is worth I'm glad I have something better to do with my time now, then just sit at home all day do absolutely NOTHING!

Sure for awhile there it was okay that I didn't have a job, but after some very extremely boring and lonely afternoons while Jason worked, it became too BORING. So boring that I literally was jumping off the walls.

Now a days, I'm just glad to be at a place in my life where everything seems to be going right for once. I have a job. Jason still has his job. We are doing everything possible to make it to the next couple steps in our relationship, Marriage and Babies, but sadly the place we are living; we are at a sort of stand still. We still unfortunately live with his parent's. Even though, we live with his parents sometimes I wonder if we are making a great choice staying here, at least here we have a roof over our heads and a warm bed to come home to every night. Not saying that wouldn't be the circumstances if we didn't live at home, we would probably have a roof over us and maybe a warm bed, but the problem would come to know itself early on; Would where we live be safe? Where we live now, I feel safe, I feel protected, maybe that be the reason we haven't moved out, yet!

Just maybe, living with his parents is actually a really good thing. At least here, we are safe and his parents know we are safe. Don't get me wrong I do however want to live on my own with Jason one day, but for now if his parents are okay with it I'm willing to take the necessary measures to make sure that Jason and I don't just survive the Real World, but actually thrive everyday, every night, every week, every Month of Every Single Year.

It's not a bad thing to be afraid is it? To me I'm afraid that no matter what Jason and I do when we move out we will continue to find ourselves struggling everyday, never knowing what it really means to live without fear of stressing, fear of not knowing how to make things better. I pray each day that Jason and I will have our own place one day, it has taken many years to know that it will always be a struggle no matter how much money we have, no matter how many jobs we both have, it will always be a struggle to live in the World the way his parents and my parents live now. My parents have always supported every decision I have made in my life, I see that never changing.

My parents always cared no matter whether I was wrong or right about things I've done, always they have been concerned about me and now it will probably bother them a bit more knowing I have no choice, but to make a giant leap and hope that in the end what catches me is Jason. I must in a matter of few months go from 25 year old still learning how to handle things on her own to 26 year old all on her own. I will when I become 26 be officially relying on myself and Jason for any type of emergency care or dental care or even eye care. I will be as of my 26 birthday be officially on Jason's health insurance.

I will by the time I turn 26 become one very mature grown up in a matter of months, I will take on more responsibility then ever be for. My mom who has always been behind me through every thing will have to learn just like I will that I have to learn to do things on my own, like set up appointments, pay bills, as far as bills and appointments go I've already been doing most of those things on my own already. I work so hard that I don't have the time to ever make appointments, but I've managed to figure things out eventually.

Now a days, I don't worry about those things as much now; that I pretty much told myself that when it happens it happens, if things go sour just keep your head up and chin high and keep moving on. I will find the right path, and it will show me the way. Right now, my focus is mainly trying not to cry every time Jason and I want to have a romantic night. I know I'm 25 and I'm allowed to do things, but in my case in the situation not only that we live in, but also the fact that we have little financial security Jason and I more then ever want a baby, I mean, if you really truly think about it I'm 25 Jason 29 this is prime time if you think about it for a baby, my sister wasn't married; wasn't even engaged to be married when she found out she was pregnant with my beautiful Niece. If I'm correct the story is just about the same if not just a little different for Jason's sister.

So, if your curious to know right now Jason and myself don't do much of anything at night because I fear about getting pregnant and having his parents get upset and us being forced out of their house is not something I'm willing to have happen to us while I would be pregnant. So, right now I act like if Jason touches me I get pregnant, he could touch my finger and suddenly I don't want him to touch me at all. I know that eventually he won't want to be around me, especially if I continue to push him away, but for the safety of Jason and myself it is better if we don't do anything especially when I am not on any type of protection except for if we use condoms, but because I'm at such a precious time in my life, I don't feel the need or want to use condoms. Meaning, that it's time I become a first time MOMMY. I wish, Oh How I wish I could be a MOMMY finally and Jason a DADDY, of course. As, of right now, I am NOT pregnant WANT to be, but sadly is not. And Jason, well he is hang in. I guess all I have say is I'm happy I have him because you don't know how hard it is to go through this kind of stuff and NOT be able to talk to ANYONE not his parents, my parents, my sister, his sister, or even our friends without worrying that what we or most likely I want to say does not come back in return with the type of response we weren't looking for.

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Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!