What are friends "really" good for?

Everyone knows that friends are good for so many reasons!

1. they have a shoulder to cry on!

2. they talk to you when things go sour!

3. they are like family!

4. they sense when you are hurting!

5. they are someone to call when you need to talk!

And then there are times where you wish that you weren't friends at all! I have been having a problem for about a few months now! I have a boyfriend you know Jason! And he is wonderful, that's a fact; but just about a couple of weeks ago. My friends were getting upset with me! Well, I understand why they were getting upset but did they have to go to the ulimate extreme dramatic state!

Well, I don't think so and either did Jason! I mean it was extremely immature! It is great to know that even when I'm trying to do my best to stay in contact and hang out with them especially when I recently started dating a guy who I never thought I would be dating in the first place. I couldn't help it when I had gotten lost in the moment!

I mean my friends wanted to be with us 24/7 and what were we supposed to do just hang out with them and no longer try creating a wonderful relationship with one another. Well, the thing is that one of my friends is also a really good friend of Jason's. I guess it just hurt me that all they cared about was hanging out with Jason and I seperately like I would hang out with my girl friend at her house during the same time that Jason would hang out with his guy friend at a bar or something! But, the truth is both Jason and myself didn't want to hang out with them we wanted to be with each other and I never saw what the whole problem was! We had just started dating only a couple months before this had actually started, them waiting to be with us every hour of every week!

It never made sense because I loved Jason and wanted to make the best of my relationship with him from the very start of it.

So what are friends really good for, if all they do is worry about themselves. What is a person to do when it seems like her friends only care about their problems! And, I think it also has something to do with the fact that neither one of my friends want to leave their houses and hang out with other people instead of Jason and myself!

I just wish that my friends would find some other people to hang out with instead of Jason and I! Like I said, my friends don't have any other social life. All they do is either sit at home playing video games or sitting on the computer all day! They don't get out very much! And my girl friend loves to put a guilt trip in my mind by saying she is heading back to ROCK BOTTOM and she doesn't want me going down with her! The fact is she doesn't get out at all she has bi-polar disorder and depression but does nothing to cure it! All she does everyday is sit at home on the computer or playing video games. She doesn't go out, even if it was to just get some fresh air! She doesn't want to even try and date someone, because she wants a boyfriend she can "box" with and I'm telling you right now their is no guy out in the WORLD that would EVER HIT A FEMALE!

To be honest, she needs to stop and get a life outside in the fresh air!

 

  

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Not Knowing What To Do (Part 2)

As you probably figured out by now I am having another issue where I do not know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. You all know by now that my boyfriend Jason and I are very much in love with each other, but when things like his boss Bob and Bob's boss don't allow me to come to Jason's work because it's frowned upon. Mainly because they think I distract Jason from doing his work.

The fact is, I love being there at Jason's work helping get things into the washers and dryers faster and helping him get out of work quicker. The reason I enjoy being at his work so much is so I can be with him all the time. The thing is I'm not allowed at his work as much as I want to be there.

Today, is not starting out that great for the two of us here at his work. I already feel like I can't put up with people telling me when and when I can not go to his work. It is getting so bad to the point where I can't choose between staying in this relationship with Jason or ending this relationship once and for all; all because I'm only allowed to go to his work on weekends.

I need help in trying to figure out what is the best and most important choice that needs to be made. I already told Jason that ending the relationship is the last thing I want to do, but since people feel they have the right to tell me how to run my life I feel like I want to end this very special relationship I have with Jason.

Some days, I have to sit around all day by myself in Jason's house and wait until he gets home. And if I'm not at his house doing nothing, I'm in his car watching movies. Sometimes I just wish he could go to his boss and tell bob that I'm coming in to help and I'm not leaving, but the thing is if Jason did that he might get fired and I don't want to feel like I cost him, his job. Especially, when it is such a great job and with benefits.

I guess all I'm saying is that, its not fair that every one is allowed to tell me how to run my life. My parents are slowly but surely backing off when it comes to who runs my life. For many years and still a little now and again my parents would control what I did, where I did, how I did, when I did anything in my life. But here is the thing they can't control my life if I'm never really around for them to even see me long enough. I mostly stay at Jason's house spending night after night over there. Yea, you could say its as if I moved out.

I do still see my parents every week. I just don't sleep there anymore. So yea, I guess I finally did get the so called freedom I was asking for. So I'm out of a job and all Jason and I live of off is how much money he gets paid each week. Well, all I have to say is, its better then getting paid every other week. At least, he has a paycheck coming to him ever Friday. Its so much better. Well, hopefully soon my time will come again. If not, I hope I have another better paying job before my own life ends.


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JAY

A guy I never got along with before. But the thing is I always had feelings for him deep, deep down. When I first meet Jay it was in a special education room to be exact room 22 of Cromwell Middle School. There are many reasons to why we never got along before now. One reason was because I was always bugging him to the most extreme measures. I realize now the only reason I bugged him was because I liked him so very much.


The two of us weird enough were friends with the same person his name is Ray. Ray was the person who introduced us to each other years ago. And even after introducing us I still continued to bug Jay.


Til now I had no idea why I truly liked Jay so much. Well to be exact when I finally made it to Cromwell High School he was on the football team and once I knew for sure that he was on the football team I made sure that I made it to all home games and some away games because my feelings for him had gotten a lot strong since Middle School.

I even told Jay that I liked him and he said that he never noticed that I liked him. I was extremely surprised when he told me that he never noticed anything, so I asked him. "How could you not notice?" He responded by saying "I never really noticed anything back then."


These days I have been hanging out with him, going to our favorite park in the town of Cromwell. Even though he knows I like him now, I can not stop myself from thinking that if Ray didn't introduce us back then where would he be and would I have forgotten about Jay. I can honestly say that no matter what would have happened back then I still would like Jay, because I mentioned to Jay that out of all the guys I have been out with in the past; I never seem to forget how much I really like Jay.


I am extremely glad that he started texting me. And since he only started at the beginning of this week I feel the need to say he has been the greatest guy friend I have ever had. One: he is always making me laugh no matter what comes out his mouth it is always making me laugh. Two: I am always in a good mood when I am around him except when we both have to get going. Three: I like him that much that I'm always in a good mood when he is near.


Him and I are always texting with each other and if we are not texting we are either on Myspace or we are on our cells talking with each other. There is no real reason why we talk so much with each other, I guess it is mainly because we both are trying so very hard to be friends. And that we are also trying to stay as connected as possible with each other. It is great how every time we talk I am laughing or I'm in the greatest mood I have ever been in.


I have repeated it so many times now. Telling him time and time again that I care so very much about him and would not want it to be any other way. He truly is the greatest guy friend I have ever had and I feel the need to hug him every time we are together I mean not when we are both leaving for the night I mean when we arrive and sometimes when we are walking together or just sitting around talking. I have told him that any girl that he has asked out in the past and has turned him down is by far the stupidest girl, and that I would be honored to go out with him.


It is wonderful the way he talks to me. I feel that when he talks to me he is talking to me with his heart and telling me exactly how he feels, and that he is not pulling some act with me that is going to end up making me upset and hurt me. He has told me that he would never ever hurt me or upset me. The truth of the matter is that I see it in his eyes that he never will. He knows truly and deeply how much I truly do care about him and he knows how much I like him.


And even though I have known him only about 7 or 8 years I feel like I have known him for twice that many, longer then I have known Ray and the two of us have known Ray for about 10 years or more so how is it that both of us feel like we've known each other longer then we've known Ray.


Why is that?


When I am with Jay even for a couple hours, I feel like I am being treated how I want to be treated. And I don't know how Jay feels when I am around him, but I have some thoughts to what he might be feeling or thinking. Maybe he is thinking a girl is talking to me, not only that but a girl who is treating me like the human being that I am, with a thoughtful and caring heart. It is wonderful how every time I talk to him or see him it really just seems like the world stops and we are the only ones upon it. With him I feel like I finally belong on this planet and maybe he feels the same way. I care 100% about Jay for some reasons I can not say because they are between him and I; I would do anything for him. Just so that he knew there was someone out there that cared about him and that wanted what was best for him.

Jay you are great! You mean the world to me. I could not ask for anything more, but to be either really good friends with you and then maybe have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you. Either way I will be happy just as long as you are happy.

Jay we will be friends always and forever!!

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Not Knowing What To Do

If you think it is easy knowing everything well maybe not everything! What I mean is knowing who the right person is for you. Let me see I have two guy friends Ray and Brian. I like one more then the other. If you have read the blog CONFUSION on my other blog Through my Eyes it tells you I like Brian more then Ray, but lately while hanging with Alycia and Ray, Ray is touching me more sensually then sexually. I do love that he gentlely carouses my legs, arms, and back so gently and it makes me feel good about being with him in the end. He has started massaging my feet, too. But what kind of girl doesn't like her feet being massaged.

It is not only the gentle movements of his fingers on my body but also the way he talks to me and cares so much about my protection that makes me appreciate him more and more...

He is the greatest hell if he were to propose to me soon, I would say yes just to make him and I happy and also to make my parents freak. But that is the problem because of my parents I feel like I could never really have a relationship with him. The only way I could be with him was if we secretly were to get married without my parents knowing. And there is my other problem I want both my parents to be at my wedding when I am older I want my father to walk me down the aile and then give me away to my future husband, then I want him to congradulate my husband and I and give us his blessings. Believe me; I am like every girl out there who all want their father to give them away to the man they are marrying.

I feel like half the time I need to hide from my parents the thought that I am with Ray and tell them I am just hanging out with Alycia just to make them happy but it is time that I tell them the truth instead of hiding it. I told Alycia and Ray both that on my 21st birthday next year I will tell my parents things. Things I really need to get off my chest. And you know what! If they want to get all pissed off at me fine I will just go out with Alycia and Ray and hang with them on my 21st. It is no problem and when my parents decide to settle down and talk to me I will talk but if they start yelling I will walk out of the house and never talk to them again. Beause I am almost 20 and my mom is still telling me how to dress for certain special occassions when I should be allowed to do it myself, not only that she is still telling me what to do. Telling me when and how long I can hang out with my friends at night.

It is sickening the way she treats me. I feel like I am a little kid that can not do things for herself. When I can. I have my license and a car so give me my freedom please already. I care a lot about everyone in my life right now to be exact everyone in my life are all equally treated no one is ever # 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. Everyone is # 1 in my book. Actually Alycia and Ray know of this one person who is like bottom 100 (Ernie). He has actually pissed me off so much that he is not even in the bottom 10 he passed that years and some months ago when he strewed me into the ground like the weak little screw driver he is, but their was always two people right behind him to unscrew me. Alycia and Ray were always there for me when I needed them and now Ernie wants me to go to his graduation party with Alycia but I might just invite Ray as my date for that day. Well day because it starts at noon. Let me just say Ray and Ernie do not get along very well. But here is the real plan Alycia, Ray and I would stop by for a little while then leave and never come back and if Ernie called me and asked me why Ray was with me and Alycia. I would say none of your f***'n business and then hang up.

I enjoyed getting some things off my chest. I feel great ready for bed because I have no more energy and need to sleep all of this s*** off tonight but will be back soon with more stories. I promise! I never forget a promise!

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The Discovery of Who I am

My life always seemed from the beginnig to be of only pain and misery. I love my life and everything in it but hate the way that I was always being threated by kids. I never to this day felt like I had a childhood because of bullying. When my dad's father passed away. My life became imcomplete I felt like I was 25 when I was really 13 or 14 years of age. The only thing I wanted for years was to be complete again. And find someone to be with in the end.

This happened because mentally I grew up thinking and feeling of about 10 to 15 years older then what I actually was. And now I am turning 20 this June. This time I will not make myself get a boyfriend just because I feel older mentally. I ador my family and friends and would hate it if I got myself messed up in a relationship not only that my family and friends didn't like but a relationship that I am not ready for.

Although most of the guys I like are so sweet to me that I get hooked on to them like bait on a fishing line and I was the hungry fish that would not let go because they were so good. These days I have but one guy I really like enough to go out with again his name is Brian he makes me laugh so much when I am with him. I have a guy friend named ray that is so sweet to me too that I would never want to hurt him but sometimes things come out in ways you don't want them. Brian is so interesting that he is cool in a way that I like him.

I have recently been hanging out with Ray and best friend Alycia for the past few weeks and have noticed that I just want to be friends with Ray. Honestly, Both guys are so nice that I would hate it if they both stopped talking to me. Both of them I care about equally. It is hard for me to explain why I feel this but lately my feelings for Brian have grown stronger and Ray I am sorry I really would like to stay friends with you. I think in the end it is best for him and I to stay friends. He needs a girlfriend that cares for him 100% and is devoted to him and I feel that this is not me. Every time I stop myself long enough to think straight the world around seems like it never stops. And that I will never get off this crazy roller coaster life.

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My Life

These days nothing compares to the pain that I feel in my heart. In this world, I am alone and scared, of knowing my true destiny of life. I am hurting from the confussion of what is up or down my life has become an on going never ending circle. My life I hope will and one day end. And I hope I am not alone or scared. Although there is no way to stop the scareness of my life finally taking its biggest and longest bow. I say to you my family and friends good luck with whatever life may bring. And remember me for what I once was a mere person in a messed up life. I am not saying good-bye, as if I were dying. I am saying good-bye to the old Erica Goguen's life. I am starting a new one with the help of your support my family and friends help me to realize the real reason I was put on this planet.

For my old life I bid ado, because no one in my past will ever be able to recall Erica Renee Goguen the sensitive one. From now on my family and friends you will call me by what I am this day Erica Renee Goguen " the strong minded young woman." On my 20th birthday I have a plan that I might get a tattoo. The tattoo will be a quote said by Eleanor Roosevelt and remembered by many. The quote will say, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I adore this quote it would mean so much to me if I actually got it done. Eleanor Roosevelt is my hero. She is a great leader and there is no other quote that I would rather have on my body then this one. It means a lot to me that Eleanor Roosevelt was such an inspiration to me and she continues to be that for me. And she always will!

If you want to respond to this blog or any of my other blogs please do so.. I'd appreciate every comment. I would love to know what all my reader's think of my blogs. If you are unable to leave a comment Please email me at fairygurlLover@hotmail.com.

Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!