Not Knowing What To Do

If you think it is easy knowing everything well maybe not everything! What I mean is knowing who the right person is for you. Let me see I have two guy friends Ray and Brian. I like one more then the other. If you have read the blog CONFUSION on my other blog Through my Eyes it tells you I like Brian more then Ray, but lately while hanging with Alycia and Ray, Ray is touching me more sensually then sexually. I do love that he gentlely carouses my legs, arms, and back so gently and it makes me feel good about being with him in the end. He has started massaging my feet, too. But what kind of girl doesn't like her feet being massaged.

It is not only the gentle movements of his fingers on my body but also the way he talks to me and cares so much about my protection that makes me appreciate him more and more...

He is the greatest hell if he were to propose to me soon, I would say yes just to make him and I happy and also to make my parents freak. But that is the problem because of my parents I feel like I could never really have a relationship with him. The only way I could be with him was if we secretly were to get married without my parents knowing. And there is my other problem I want both my parents to be at my wedding when I am older I want my father to walk me down the aile and then give me away to my future husband, then I want him to congradulate my husband and I and give us his blessings. Believe me; I am like every girl out there who all want their father to give them away to the man they are marrying.

I feel like half the time I need to hide from my parents the thought that I am with Ray and tell them I am just hanging out with Alycia just to make them happy but it is time that I tell them the truth instead of hiding it. I told Alycia and Ray both that on my 21st birthday next year I will tell my parents things. Things I really need to get off my chest. And you know what! If they want to get all pissed off at me fine I will just go out with Alycia and Ray and hang with them on my 21st. It is no problem and when my parents decide to settle down and talk to me I will talk but if they start yelling I will walk out of the house and never talk to them again. Beause I am almost 20 and my mom is still telling me how to dress for certain special occassions when I should be allowed to do it myself, not only that she is still telling me what to do. Telling me when and how long I can hang out with my friends at night.

It is sickening the way she treats me. I feel like I am a little kid that can not do things for herself. When I can. I have my license and a car so give me my freedom please already. I care a lot about everyone in my life right now to be exact everyone in my life are all equally treated no one is ever # 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. Everyone is # 1 in my book. Actually Alycia and Ray know of this one person who is like bottom 100 (Ernie). He has actually pissed me off so much that he is not even in the bottom 10 he passed that years and some months ago when he strewed me into the ground like the weak little screw driver he is, but their was always two people right behind him to unscrew me. Alycia and Ray were always there for me when I needed them and now Ernie wants me to go to his graduation party with Alycia but I might just invite Ray as my date for that day. Well day because it starts at noon. Let me just say Ray and Ernie do not get along very well. But here is the real plan Alycia, Ray and I would stop by for a little while then leave and never come back and if Ernie called me and asked me why Ray was with me and Alycia. I would say none of your f***'n business and then hang up.

I enjoyed getting some things off my chest. I feel great ready for bed because I have no more energy and need to sleep all of this s*** off tonight but will be back soon with more stories. I promise! I never forget a promise!

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Thank you and Have a Wonderful Evening/Day!!