The Discovery of Who I am

My life always seemed from the beginnig to be of only pain and misery. I love my life and everything in it but hate the way that I was always being threated by kids. I never to this day felt like I had a childhood because of bullying. When my dad's father passed away. My life became imcomplete I felt like I was 25 when I was really 13 or 14 years of age. The only thing I wanted for years was to be complete again. And find someone to be with in the end.

This happened because mentally I grew up thinking and feeling of about 10 to 15 years older then what I actually was. And now I am turning 20 this June. This time I will not make myself get a boyfriend just because I feel older mentally. I ador my family and friends and would hate it if I got myself messed up in a relationship not only that my family and friends didn't like but a relationship that I am not ready for.

Although most of the guys I like are so sweet to me that I get hooked on to them like bait on a fishing line and I was the hungry fish that would not let go because they were so good. These days I have but one guy I really like enough to go out with again his name is Brian he makes me laugh so much when I am with him. I have a guy friend named ray that is so sweet to me too that I would never want to hurt him but sometimes things come out in ways you don't want them. Brian is so interesting that he is cool in a way that I like him.

I have recently been hanging out with Ray and best friend Alycia for the past few weeks and have noticed that I just want to be friends with Ray. Honestly, Both guys are so nice that I would hate it if they both stopped talking to me. Both of them I care about equally. It is hard for me to explain why I feel this but lately my feelings for Brian have grown stronger and Ray I am sorry I really would like to stay friends with you. I think in the end it is best for him and I to stay friends. He needs a girlfriend that cares for him 100% and is devoted to him and I feel that this is not me. Every time I stop myself long enough to think straight the world around seems like it never stops. And that I will never get off this crazy roller coaster life.

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